EMBEDDED INDIGO

captions included 🙂

in bed, within the inn – i then go,
soft peddles of a perfumed floral ring
‘a rose’ in me : the call of a bee sting.
entwined in clusters of blue and carpenter’s wood
remains flames of extravagance, shouldering between transgression and what’s expected to be good
at the cocktail’s hour, happy itself – extends into the pour of a whisky sour!

within this writing – i’m inciting : levels of tiny pebbles !
stuck inside the shoe, solving this dilemma is merely paying attention to the clue!
the case of this face is myriad but fallen short of obscene …
when the sense became non – i become a breathless yawn.
quivering into the distant soft tissue, as my tears are signatures of issues.

ranging from emotional neglect and tortured trauma!
but confessions of repentance have been absolved through the teachings of the Dalai Lama! (((it should be noted : the dalai lama and 🧿 DO NOT IDEOLOGICALLY ALIGN, as They’ve worked with the 👀ℹ️🅰️, so….👎🏿 ! i only used their mention due to the rhyme provided on the spare dime in time.)))

i’m kept close by the face of an perplexing ace!
while going through this crisis of
energy – is not at all unexpected …

yet: it does appear suspected

as so much can be said…………..
instead
i’ll pause where my whispers swallow
the voice inside, is a guide to which i follow

the fiction of the white
just might: speak way too soon…..
months of turning pages to the crescent & whole moon

still
awaiting colors, glisten serene
and while the contradictions long to be seen….
dialectically & eclectically : to those that suggest otherwise,
by the sight of their reading eyes? lines indeed, align and surprise!

while : in bed, within the inn – i then know, embedded indigo!

I originally conceptualized the title “embedded indigo” after gathering all of my close friends at Benihana’s in Chanhassen Minnesota! I remember I worked at Mall of America at the time, and TrevorGuy called me around the time, I was leaving work. “Prince is having a music video dress rehearsal for Judith Hill with Eric Leeds, tonight at Paisley Park and you’re invited to bring in a couple of folks. Details forthcoming. Are you down?” “Absolutely, I’ll let my folks know!” I was absolutely ecstatic about going to Paisley Park and to add to that : A music video with two of my favorite musical artists!? I told the ‘True Blues’ (y’all know who you are!) AND we were all excited to be there!

For added context: I had only been to Minnesota 3 months at this point and things were already picking up, as only 2 days ago from this point I got 3 messages that a private party : was happening at Paisley Park and me and my friends had been invited to Paisley! If y’all want a run down of what happened you can watch that here! https://youtu.be/zSQWWAwRWgg

BACK TO BENIHANA’S! So we are all there awaiting what’s the scoop! everybody’s asking me, what’s about to happen!? Obviously I would know right? Well no. Prince never gave any information about what was about to happen, he just told you to prepare and that I did. It was at least 21 of us and none of us did not know what would happen. We were all sharing Prince stories and all guessing all what could go down. Clearly, we were all decked in our finest of clothes. I do remember having blue on at the time.

Suddenly : I get a call from TrevorGuy.

ALL eyes are suddenly on me as my ringer is on and I knew it was the call, we’d all be waiting for. I briskly brushed off into a quiet space, leaving them all in lingering anticipation.

I get back to the phone and hear :

“hey, sorry. Prince is not going to do it tonight. some things came up. sorry, will be in contact soon. peace.”

ALL I felt inside was blue. A deep blue. So deeply on me it felt like a deep url code. not just any kind of blue but a mood indigo like Duke Ellington spoke about. It wasn’t necessarily sadness though, just like someone dipped in a ocean of reflection. How was I going to tell everybody it wasn’t happening!? I remember thinking about dreading the walk of shame back to everyone awaiting what would be the next move.

Soon as i came back to the fold, my head shaking in every direction : everyone knew and we all laughed it off. in fact the rest of the night was spent with many other folks who had been to Paisley throughout the years when this was a common occurrence!

“Oh you mean, driving out in the middle of nowhere before there was ‘modern construction’ because you were told there was a paisley park party at -35 degrees and when he leaves you outside for like 3 hours and then decides at the last minute, nah.” Hahaha

Prince. His way about things were not linear. All throughout the night, I can’t say I was really feeling blue as in sad tho. I was very much energized throughout the laughter that ensued & with good eating though we were not a part of the experience. In many ways this is how I feel about Prince and the anniversaries of his ‘transcendence.’ Which is today. There is no real sadness only memories of joy when listening to the “flames of extravagance” that is Prince.

In many ways it all feels like a parallel vortex when this time comes around, a familiar whisper in the shadows. Whispering deeply, but a jovial memorial indigo.

RaDiCaL: Angels & Angels

describe to me : the nature of your circumstance?

would you rather walk or dance?

shall we talk it over, or discuss the matter in silence?

or are you for a government ran by the people, or the system promoting self-reliance?

you know what they say : you can do it on your own!

you ain’t gotta look for home: neither should you ask for help, especially when in need.

SUCK IT UP, don’t cry, just go untreated until your left to bleed!

flesh left open like a party inviting every kind of friend, family, and stranger, which inevitably attracts danger!

cuz’ all them people were gathered in one space : but if not guided by a common grace or principle, their concern is far more scattered and unorganized.

thus, for the people to arise – democratic centralism must be the measure which assures their size!

may our prayers bear knowledge to the ongoing science and emotional feeling.

this type of prayer is an invitation for higher and neutral healing.

to face the very material struggle found in all living beings.

it’s a matter of principally looking in, from within _ examining those contradictions which nonetheless appear as fiction DRESSED in various dictions.

I needn’t recite every line that comes to mind, however it is irrefutably clear – that their lies a wrestle between two opposing forces here and near.

How we confront and deal with one another requires us to call out the whereabouts of FEAR!

depending on the angel / angle, one may misplace the word intended to get to what’s true!

by each clue – may w3 all get through!

When the scenery becomes the garden greenery which enhances the vibration sensation.

what will fill the gap between the bridge that is passed, how can one gather with all they’ve amassed?

Without risking the loss of what they carried, the options are truly unvaried.

going to the ever-turning passage of spitted approval.

as judgements and skeptical glancing seek replacement and removal.

the romancing of the desired beat is to treat a furnished symphony.

for when the kangaroo wishes to land upon a higher stand, because their hump encourages their jump !

how closely do connections cross and feelings tread?

will this interaction be contained or will it spread?

likewise: fungi and real disguised lies, are perplexed in front of truth-seeking eyes.

may we be truthful to the solution, which soothes us to rely on an idealogical foundation and shape ourselves to the real malleable clay.

this is to no dismay.

for when closer to the tears.

and when the mirror reveals all of those spent years…

the pieces are stolen and hidden, returning concerns back to the vendor.

until the push of splendor revitalized the colors left on cluttered tables and midnight fables – convincing that you return to the feeling that left you kneeling….

even at the throne of mercy – you felt deserving of pain.

while being caught in the pouring rain…

you were then released from the choke holds, of spiked ambitions.

your attention would only become knotted and tangled like a geometric spider web.

by thinking you could reach the ebb without the flow, the truth of knowing the invisible structures which are principalities in high places.

when running faces meet the math belonging to shape and angle, the angel once more appears as a lesson to revere.

you did not see it coming, so you ran away.

into a place no one could say?

until you came right back open and barren – as an empty cup intended to be filled to the brim.

although tightly held with muscle and limb – the hour glass slipped from your hands with all the speckles of sand, the sound was as a thunderous command!

for when it shatters it matters because it reaches across all the hard surfaced floor

one can reach the door while answering the bell, for it swells deep in the midnight and afternoon pale.

a noise awakening one to the division of sound and stillness…

disrupting sleeplessness, which was diagnosed as a formidable illness.

the capitulation belonging to the CAPITALIZATION of interests belonging only to the select few?
recognizes a RaDiCaL REVOLUTION, which informs scientifically, the work that is left for us to do!

HAHANHEHE-MF*

if you gonna be a HA HA N HEE HEE MF

make sure you reach with the same depth – which called you, when you entered the deep. when you yelled and screamed at the obscene in your dreams!

MOVE FURTHER

OR ELSE YOU DON’T KNOW SH*T!

you can’t even understand the breath of CONVERSATION.

much less – recognize the different kinds of tracks at the STATION.

you don’t know sh*t.

not all trains are on the same TRACK!

especially since some go forward while others go BACK.

you don’t know sh*t.

before you even listen to what has been said, you didn’t even allow yourself to be FED.

you don’t know sh*t.

FED: THE KNOWLEDGE & INFORMATION NECESSARY TO FORM TECHNIQUE! A SH*T TALKER RELIES ON REACTIONS THAT ARE WEAK.

yeah, you don’t really know sh*t.

yet you think – you know it ALL.

(whispers)

(don’t know sh*t)

yet you: justify your anger for an immediate FALL.

(don’t know sh*t)

yet you: believe you are thinking with your MIND.

(don’t know sh*t)

yet you: are walking BLIND.

(don’t know sh*t)

yet you: camouflage the parts of you – that are ME.

(don’t know sh*t)

this only means we can’t SEE.

HAHA N HEE HE = MOVE FURTHER *

TO ACTIVATE AND DIALECTICALLY ENGAGE WITH MATERIALS- ENABLING AN EVER EXPANDING CONSCIOUSNESS! it’s time to shop for more essentials. how else are we gonna grow? + whose gonna bite off from expired bread and drink the spoiled and chunky milk?
“if you gonna be a HA HA N HEE HEE MF – move further and challenge complicit behavior encouraged by the silence of your laugher. MOVE FURTHER, MOTHER FUCKER!

We have to get there by the silence of our tears. Sadness is a friend of ours. we don’t talk much to our tears as often but we’re gonna have to start inviting those tears to have a stronger communication to us. These tears tell a story that must be heard by the memories that we wanted to bury inside. Our head seeks refuge in the regurgitation of discs that have been scratched. Remembering is a hard deal because life is revived in those sad experiences. Our company is fragile throughout these confrontations. In our youth, we are unaware of the effects it would have on us. Today is payday. Every day we look into the eyes of trauma, we’re coughed with responsibility. we’re paying the toll. It’s worth the investment but we’re not held in any debt. Underneath all of the sadness and anger // unspoken trauma lingers in a dark place.

i’d say one thing we can do as brothers is ALWAYS call out every foul thing we see our brothers do / say. there’s an awful lot of complicity. it’s hidden and a lot of it is either laughed off or justified behind our acceptance of that person. we should discontinue the idea that we need to be told what can we do – when it seems obvious. every appearance of misguided complicity has to be faced for what it is. we have to be willing to really look at ourselves and be willing to hold ourselves and others accountable.

The Opening Quest

In preparation for further development of my book, I decided to answer several questions from one of my favorite authors Dushka Zapata.

These questions set the tone for 2018 while also inspiring me to invite you to send me questions that you have thought about existence. The goal isn’t to overthink but to answer with what you feel in the heart of the moment.

Here are my favorite 14 questions.

1. “If life had no meaning, what meaning would I create for mine?”

I’d create a meaning that would mean something to me tomorrow. A meaning that has enough nutrition to last for me and those who came after me. If no others came after me then the meaning would have to be enough to satisfy me even when I’m bored. Something to make me laugh and cry because it’s all so beautifully complex.

2. “If there was no purpose to our existence, what purpose would I give to mine to shield myself from existential despair?”

I would make it a mission to make someone think about their life and what they can do with it. I would want them to laugh at how ironic this whole game of life is. I would want to show myself and people around me how life is so short and how we should chase what gives us that rush.

3. “What matters to me? Why? And once I figure this out, can I determine an order of importance?”

Freedom matters most to me. To be at full liberty without the worry that I must stop at the disadvantage of someone’s inability to respect my equilibrium. If I could get out of someone’s way to their freedom. Establishing importance would mean to know it’s not just about me.

4. “Is there a healthy, logical correlation between my priorities and how I spend my time? If not, why?”

I give myself too much time for tasks I feel can wait. I must embed a pattern of usual, so I don’t buy into the distractions because god knows I have binged on many distractions. I think I have bought so much time because I see time as an illusion and I feel I always have time, but I’ve come to realize I don’t always have time. It’s always leaving me when I gain it.

5. “What am I afraid of? Can I learn to distinguish the fear that protects me from the fear that stops me?”

“They say everybody is afraid of something although I don’t know what actually makes me afraid now. I am drawn to the unknown and I believe fear makes us strong at times. I suppose my fear is to be consistent in the most western way of doing it. (I must always pay my bills and have enough left over) Constantly making enough that is sufficient and inspiring enough to last. The best way for me to distinguish it is to fail occasionally and not feel guilty about it.”

6.”What happens when I get what I want? Is it glorious, empty, triumphant, anticlimactic? Why?”

I usually feel content with it. Sometimes when I want something so very badly and get it – I don’t feel like it was worth the wanting. I would like to capture the gloriousness more because there’s substance in playing in that feeling. I think it becomes anticlimactic because I knew I could get it – I just didn’t think I would survive the trip to get there.

7. “What does happiness mean to me? What makes me happy and how can I capture that elusive sensation more often?”

Happiness means more laughter and learning found in simple and complex things. I think if I read more, the joy of happiness will show up more.

8. “What hurts me? How can I become stronger against what causes me to suffer? How and where can I learn to suffer less? How can I remind myself that the person who makes me suffer the most is me?”

I hurt myself when I don’t own up to my decisions and how they influence others. I should remember that I am in the driver’s seat and that my reactions can be calmer. To be mindful of silence and that words don’t always have to be spoken.

9. “What is left of me if I attempt to define myself without leaning on anything I do? I am a student, I am a writer, I am a mom, I am a manager, I am a Vice President – these are all things I do. Who am I? Where is she?”

This is a very complex one. I am here and while I am here, I want to make as much hell and fun on this trip. I observe, sleep, learn and then convert this knowledge into love for everyone around me.

10. “How can I avoid losing myself in my relationships? What are my boundaries and how do I enforce them?”

One way is to have a clear understanding that we do not belong to each other but that we are only appreciating and honoring each other’s company. That we live with the knowledge that we can together but sometimes we may steer to our own strengths by ourselves. I can enforce my boundaries by staying true to myself without shame or pressure.

11. “What do my feelings teach me about myself? If I feel anger or jealousy, can I learn not to react to these feelings but instead determine what they are trying to tell me?”

They are trying to tell me to maybe rearrange what I do not understand. To Ask more questions and to speak softly and to apologize when I’ve assumed too much. I can learn by simply remembering people are often in the same state as me. They just want clarity.

12. “What happens when I sit in silence?”

I find that the stillness in myself is still yearning to speak to myself in riddles of nothing but me, myself, and I.

13. “How can I better manage change? How can I get better at accepting how little control I have?”

Knowing that I did not choose to be born here at the time I was. Some parts are played long before I got here.

14. “How would I like to be remembered?”

“Remembered for good company with a fresh willingness to open a door that people didn’t really think about turning, making them laugh while thinking.”

If you got through all of my answers to these magnificent questions, I applaud your interest endearingly! I encourage you to answer some of these questions as well! I wanted to start 2018 with these questions because they would open up my understanding of myself and where I want to go.

I am making it a mission to write way more while reading, listening, and observing.

We can do this thing together – narrating and asking. This will help us climb the ladder for clarity among all living things!

((*Every 7th of the month from now until March – I’ll post 3 of my favorite questions (& 7 replies) that I find correlates with the book I’m working on! If you have any questions that you have asked at any time // feel free to email me at jesterj7@hotmail.com

Knot For, Width

As a unit, we can tie the knot. Things are expanding in width so harnessing the edges are crucial at this point. If we keep on walking the way we are – the more our shoes become untied.

This is why a perfect knot must be made. It’s not my ego talking when I say “I don’t work for you – I’m working with you.” If I was working for you, the knot would constantly come loose.

You can’t-do what I do and I can’t-do what you can do.Therefore, I am working with you. As a team, we are expanding width.

It can be hard to say something more when our silence speaks volumes. Silence is indeed a weapon, one that doesn’t wield predictable swaying. Somebody can talk until the roof is torn down while someone else decides they rather stay silent.

When the two of us are in the same room – tasting our own orbits – spiraling in our own lands: why is it one then stumbles on the realization that the other can’t swim? If one of us could teach, the other would then have to understand. The length of our distance is not too far but our width must be measured properly.

Don’t you hate it when your pants sag to the ground?! Constantly having to pull them up because they’re not quite fit. I suppose if you lost a little weight, it’s a pleasant surprise the first time. It would only be a matter of time until you’d need a belt, tho.

Pulling up the extra slack so that like your shoes – they’d be tied down to you.

I’m saying something clever – whimsical enough to paint what’s invisible in clear sight. I’m careful as to not paint with too wide of a brush. I don’t want to miss the edges and the fine details which make up the mosaic. It’s the details that make the difference – especially from afar.

Whenever I bring meaning – I must also accept losing what was aimed to tie me up. The purpose of a knot is to negate what is loose.

Picture it like this: Whenever you tie a knot – you want the strength of your pull to be strong enough to last. (At least to keep up from steady making a knot repeatedly) If your shoes come untied, chances are you didn’t do it tight enough. We do what we do for comfortable walking.

In summary:

Two become one. A hundred becomes one. A thousand becomes one. A million becomes one. All become one unit. It’s no longer just one but a complete team. KNOT FOR BUT WIDTH.

Speaking Presently // Silently Past

In this moment, voices are calling.

The word is spoken and the past is silent to action.

For not every word needs to be spoken, every request isn’t always received.

Silence is the highlight to volumes full of black and white pages.

The colors of abbreviation are manifested by light and reduction.

Words yet begin to form and language begins to break off into a multitude of conversations.

Sometimes, we are not given an exact reason as to why we make the choices that have been made.

Many times, we are led to strange places with seemingly no center or root.

Something prompts us to act, and that is the very thing that allows action.

What is being spoken presently, is what has been seen silently in the past.

Spoiled Oasis

Salvador Dali always manages to express his power through so many illustrations. It’s a quite sensual piece. Safe to say, I am truly and remarkably moved by the meaning! I wrote this a while back, being inspired after I had awakened from a dream of being drowned by an oasis. I also found a lot of inspiration from Martika’s ‘Coloured Kisses’:

“You give me, give me colored kisses
Colored kisses for my lips to taste
You lead me, lead me to an oasis
An oasis where I can lay
My head on your shoulder and pray”

It’s one of my favorite jams, I love how colorful it is. It’s safe to say, being spoiled by a beautiful oasis really grants my thirst!

Just a fountain of forever – a waterfall of regeneration

Wisely laying beside the water brooks

I am thirsty for my lips to taste the freshest springs that run into me

This oasis is my home – as I was born into the spell of the waters

Once it was then possible to drown my veins

As I tried to break free from the liquids of eternity

It isn’t so easy to harmonize with the rushing waters because the waves cover and cruise the motion of the ocean

The heart of my livelihood

Rests at the sleepless sounds of the night

Come to me and arise with a crush of transparency

Find yourself at the foundation of all living

Organize the species of all life and silence the scientific hypothesis of the origin

The rivers yearn for the spoiling of fresher rainfalls

The drought captivates the deadly sting of rotten righteousness

Blades are becoming rusty as they cut the lengths of watery pastries

Undressed Courtroom

I’ve learned that the witness of my expression, stands on trial. The judge and jury are those who whisper lies, in vain deceit! They speak the very accusation of their nature, they have not spoken the essence of what is opposite of their being. The courtroom begs for silence – as the wild arguments pursue on the tables of contract. Our pains come to intimidate us because in the face of suffering it seems like the only fate.

The law is still given in the hindsight of what is already in our minds. We can clearly speak to the writing that comes to keep us condemned. I’ve closely examined the passion that belongs to personal intimacy. Just, alone in the courtroom – Surrounded by your own fragrance & melody. As you hear these dripping sounds, taste the tip of your tongue. You stand undressed in the courtroom, and no one is embarrassed but the witness of expression.

I can’t say that I am surprised, at the accusations. However, I’m finally able to say: The judicial consequence is not punitive – rather restorative.

Unreconciled Volumes

I read and I heard, the voice coming from the distant land of emotion. When we clearly focus on the hurt and vehement challenges of repentance, the altar becomes welcoming. It’s almost like we predicted the mention of disgust to determine our flow and our design, over and over again.I am listening. Your voice comes in and takes me by its true intent of meaning and passion. We respect the doings of our anticipation, and we describe our details of heights and depths due to the fortitude of what we know.

The movement of lips describes a notion of sincerity. The reconciliation of projected and professed convictions will establish the flaming need for counsel. As the leaves of unreconciled shadows are displayed upon the sidewalk we constantly walk, when will the volume of these motions come together?

Summarized Notion Of Thought: We are in love and we’re drunk to the toxic formulas of passions and lusts. Now when you become innocuous to the extreme volumes of vain pursuits – you are then above the limit!

Possessed Silence

In the quality of my time and definition, there is room for space and to acknowledge silence. When the voices of my inner desires motivate a sense of repetitive actions. My silence falls into an unpronounceable recitation. The fashion and infallible gestures are those things which come from what is primitively ethereal.

Summarized Notion For Thought: Allow the possession of space, to design the silent utterance.